~~..SpiceUpYourLife..~~

• 'that' slipping from my hand
• my work is ruin n my reputaion is going down
• im slipping ariff wedding
• im fail to attend Robocon
• Man Utd lost they tittle to Chelsea
• England defeated to Germany and world cup dream are trash

tarikh 26 June maybe akan dikenang sebagai hari aku berani giler naek roller coster..sepanjang aku hidup,i never being able to find my guts to ride that things..tapi semalam aku nak sgtttt5 naek benda2 tue..smpai jer kat depan outdoor park (OP) tue terus aku nak masuk tapi farid plak taknak, dah tinggal aku sorang2..nak masuk ke tak,confius aku..but alang2 dah smpai masuk jelah..so aku masuk jelah but mula2 tue tension giler jalan sorang2 kat situ..i can see a lots of happy couple there and sudenly 'her' image come straight to my head..deng,this not good..realy2 not food n sudenly nak balek jer tapi memandangkan sbb dah bayar mcm tak berbaloilah plak..geng2 borneo nie pun ntah mana lah diaorg..

but finally i manage to find them kat cybershoot..i want to ride but takder ganglah plak..deng so menongok lah kat situ tunggu geng2 yg len abeh men..abeh jer turn derang trus gi cyclone,the 1st roller coaster kat m'sia..whoooo mmg tarbaek..thrilling gaklah kan but it wass fun..itu kira warm-uplah kan sbb next ride, the CORKSCREW..huuuuu mmg thrilll beb, serius..than,its time for me to fell how superman feels when he fly, the FLYING COASTER..mmg best,terasa terbang tuuuu..hahaha

now what i cant belive is,i want so much to ride this thing when im there..before i wont be able to think pun nak naek sbb takot wooo..maybe it cause of my heart n head is in unstable state and it want to go out badly all the messy thing inside it but seriusly it come out..puas seketika,ilang semuanya seketika..if i can do this frequently...but when all fun end, im back to reality..hmmmmm..but its surely fun..

oh my dear tears...will u stop dropping from my eyes,its been 3 days now already...

for 2 days back to back, i got a call asking where the hell i am..everybody is already in UKM already..the minute i said im at Genting,they shock cause how can Ahmad Fauzi can be nowhere near UKM right now..it ROBOCON,its in our soul..but how can i undo all this...im here already..its really tearing me apart more now..i cant take it but i need to anyway facing it..well telling the truth,its a slightly tears coming out though..please be strong!

110 Days of Happiness...

57 Days of Pains...

91 and counting, Rehabilation..

and dont know where it will stop...

life is making a choice and sometimes we just dont know which one is the right one..in a month, 3 big choice i had to make already and all of those things tearing me apart badly..and at last,i know there's a tears dropping from my eyes..

1st choices: Ariff's Wedding VS Unit Exam Meeting with HOD

2nd choices: My Wedding JOB VS My Cousin Wedding

3rd choices: Robocon Vs Andragogi Course

those are the choices i had to make this month..its surely hard and i cant make a good choices though..im hurt people in the process..i want to go to ariff's wedd badly as i've planned it throughout this year but in the last minute the exam meeting was posponed to the same date..i cant do anything,i was numb and speechless..i keep the pain inside..to watch all my dearest fren there except me is more hurt than taking the fact i am not being able to be there..but last sunday tuesday i've been able to see him and we talked..atleast he's still my fren..

then, i know the date of my cousin wedding, but suddenly i got a client already,right on the same date..i seal the deal but as on wan favor of couse..so i thought if i did didn't show up on the jobs, it wont be much problem as its wan's job as an OP but it was the other way around as wan said i was being selfish..2ndly in a month i've being tearing apart again..how am i turn up the things?i went to the Solemnization bu..t skip the wedding and left it two amad and wan then heads up to tluk intan to reunite with my whole family..so its like a win2 situation i think..

now, for a month im working overtime finishing the robocon gamefield and construct a solid robot fot the tournamnet..well im not the one who construct the robot instead its the student who done it..but..nearly towards the tournament,fate call for a challenge again..i need too make a choice again..im seriously dont know which one to choose..i dont know why i cant cause probably im scared it will be a wrong choice again..so i let it Robocon go this time or this could be the only time i let it go..

before, i was planning everything's and it turns out pretty well..now,everything's like falling apart..none coming out my way though without sacrifice or making people hurt in the process..i want to be happy, i want to smile again, i want to laugh again n i want to have my life again..what else i can do to make u go away from my heart..i cant live with ur love still strong in my heart,i cant live with ur presence is always i can feel..please YA ALLAH, make her go away from my heart..so i can live happily to do all things in YOUR willing..YA ALLAH, apa yg boleh dilakukan to make these thing ease..

ramai org berkata sebnarnya, "ada apa dgn hari rabu", "kenapa ko benci ari rabu?", "tak best ker ari rabu"...sememangnyer, aku TIDAK SUKA hari rabu pada tahun ini..semuanya bermula pada hari 'itu'...dalam pada hari yang sama, mcm2 benda berlaku..so many element of suprise on that day and it end with a big suprise that say's it all, and with that suprise,it ends all the best day i've ever have..the time stop,the joy is gone, the smile faded away,the laugh is no longer exist and for most the dream is turn to ash..

the things is, Wednesday is so significant with the chonology of the MaBah story...all the important things,date,moment and incident is happen on that day..to sum it all, its the day where the 1st contact has been made, its the day that the deal was sealed and the most terrifying part is, its the day where its the start of fall and leads to destruction later on..

now can u 'dig' it why i hate wednesday so much?

p/s: on this day...its been 2 years i've in kulim!happy aniversary En Fauzi...

Alhamdulillah dua2 majlis walimatulurus n tunang kedua2 sepupu aku selamat berlangsung..kepada k.yong, semoga perkahwinan anda berkekalan and to nurul, congratulation k...as for me here,hahahaha...a gud story to tell i guess..hahaha





now for 2 days im stuck kat kg tue,betul2 menduga kesabaranlah serba sedikit..i was the 2nd grandchild so its kinda weird how the 1st get married and it follows by the 3rd one get engage?hehehe...the most 'syahdu' question was coming from my grandma, she asked "sempat ke idaklah nenek tak tgk kawan kamu ni"..adeyhhh,kenapa sekarang baru soalan2 mcm ni nak kuar..taun lepas takder pun penah tanya..or diaorg ada tanya dulu cuma aku tak amek pot coz tak penah pikir pun psl kawen..tapi skang ni setleah "pelamin anganku musnah",hehehe, everything about married is giving me heart tremble and sweaty..hahaha..

sbnarnyer aku tak kesah pun org nak tanya but sumtimes aku susah nak bg jawapan tu balek..i dont have the answer,i dont know when majlis aku akan berlangsung..aku hanya senyummmm jer sepanjang kat kg sambil menjadi photog kepada kedua2 spupu aku nie..cuma i a adalah rentetan dari rasa pelamin anganku musnah itulah aku tidak terdaya nak menahan kdg2 soalan2 yg diberi..satu dua bolehlah aku tepis,tapi kalu semua dah tanya n berlangusng selama 2 hari plak tue..adeyhhh...tp aku berjayalah menahan daripada 'hujan' turun walaupun hujan lebat turun di waktu bersandiing..

tapi kalu diikutkan,why must be so damn heart broken kan..bukkanyer putus tunang ker or cerai ker..its a normal break up jer....is that so?well..maybe di keluaran len,akan diceritakan ttg 'pelamin anganku' musnah nie or kronologi kesah kami sepenuhnyer..dari ia bermula, berkembang, bergelora dan akhirnya rebah menyembah bumi..

anyway sekali lagi kepada kak yong,jaga laki baek2 yer n too nurul,semoga ko cepat naek pelamin..takper aku bg jalan dulu..hehehe..

last week i've a chance to watch this movie..got some reason sbnarnyer kanapa nak tgk citer ni as im no so called a fan for malay movie sbb mcm tak berbaloi jer tgk kat wayang sbb raya kang dier tyg punyalah..tapi sbb...

1) member sungguh2 suh tgk

2) org asyik citer psl citer nie as the adaptation from the best seller novel in malaysia

3) nak gak tgk apa yg best sgt dgn citer nie

4) nak tgk sedeyh sgt ker seperti apa yg digembar-gemburkan

5) ada gang nak layan as a fren ask me not to watch it alone as it sad may touch my feelings later on

so we decided to go watching it and its sumhow before the movie started,my fellows frens already teasing me around by saying they bring the tissue along..hahaha..deng u guys..so as the movie start,yeah we can see 'he' was so devil lah..but as the story goes,deng he's not setan as i thought..jiwang gak budak setan nie,adeyhhhh

but what the 'highlight' of the movie is, 'he' is photografer, deng!..kener dah kat btg idung aku..dahlah the moment nampak dier pgg CANON tue,terus member2 aku ni panggil aku..adeyhhhhh..kenapa misti ko pgg kamera tue kasha oiiiiii..dah tu korang bleh plak lah men2 amek gambar ek dalam movie tue..kenapa misti ko remind aku apa yg aku dah buat ngan dier dulu..adeyhhhh..ko siap bleh buat portfolio ek..kalulah aku pun boleh buat benda yg sama..tapi apakan daya,gambar dier hanya utk simpanan saja..cant be publish..publish pun dah takder makna..yeah kahsa, amek gambar special one is a special memory to be remembered of..

but its true its kinda sad movie lah sbnarnyer cuma im sorry kasha, aku tdk kesmpaian utk bersedeh..cuma adakalanya ia tersentuh jugak..cerita kita sama cuma ko bernasib baek,ayu masih mencintai ko dan perpisahan anda bukan kerana kemahuan tapi keadaan..deng,nasib kita berbeza namun penderitaan mu ku rasa...sakit bukan ditingglkan disaat kebahagiaan yg kita mahukan..tapi sekiranya ko menunjukkan lebeh lagi bagaimana penderitaan ko itu,mesti aku sudah begenang n maybe hujan didalam panggung tue..but im not,hanya termenung saja...

kesitaan mu agung kasha,cintamu juga agung..ku mahu jadi sepertimu tapi ku tidak boleh menjadi setia sepertimu..mananti cinta yg tidak pasti bukan jawapan kepada kebahagiaan..namun, jauuuuuuuuuuuuh disudut hati ini,ku masih mananti kepulangannya walaupun ia sukar pudar dan rapuh,ku tunggu..namun,ku tidak hanya membnarkan hati ini didiami olehnya lagi,ku ingin usir dia dari hati ini kerana dier bukan lagi, The Queen of My Heart and 'Im Yours' seperti yg ku slalu ucapkan..

so MA, i wont waiting for u coz i know u wont comeback..ur love not like ayu probably..i know im not so called half perfect for u..not even a man of ur dream..we are so different in terms of love..so,im praying for ur happiness with him..

hahaha..sedar tak sedar,dah 4 bulan upanya aku duk menyinggle nie..tapi bapaklah aku rasa mcm dah makan tahun penyeksaannyer..banyak benda berlaku sepanjang 4 bulan nie..tapi yg masih sama adalah idup aku masih tunggang langgang n hati aku sikit pun belom recover mcm dulu..tgk gambar dier pun masih bergetar lagi dada nie,bukan nak tgk pun tapi kalu dah masuk profile kawan2,adalah muncul gambar dier seketul kat mutual frens tue..adeyhh tak berubah lagi n tak move on lagi upanya perasaaan ni..apalah yg liat sgt nak sembuh nie..

on 5 febuary 2010,its an historical day for me actually..for the 1st time,i will be officially being a wedding photographer..its all been prepare for that,I've learn all the angle,compo and all the technique that i can cover for the job..with the support i got from 'her',i feel i can do this..but how terrified and shocky i am..she made one of the biggest decision on that day that make my world turn upside down until now...i suddenly become so numb and dont know what to do..its like a nightmare but its not a dream,its reality...

so what i can do left where i just have one day left before akad nikah..i went to muar wiht a fren of mine..he finds me strage but im acting my cool but i cant hide it coz it so obviously i was not in the mood..on that friday,i was loosing myself already,aku dah mcm cacing kepanasan duk kat umah pengantin,mak andam plak dah laaa lmbat,member aku plak gi carik flash sbb rosak..so aku duk sorang2 je kat situ..adeyhhhhh..

but suddenly the bride said, why dont u pick her up and bring her here also,without hesitate,i pick my fren car and pick her up..well she's not too far a way from the bride house but where? i cant tell lahhhhh..hehehe,for some of u might know where she is...

so to make it short,she come to both of the akad nikah and sanding...well i know she's there but the feelings is just not therelah..we know we are not couple anymore and her appearance sumhow i feel likes a sympathy or a supprt from her..but my head just cant think straight..therefore,i lose my work ethic and professionalism..

seriusly,i fail being an OP (official photographer)...i fail to captured a good pic, i fail to conduct situation and the environment, i failed to cheer up the bride where they looks so exhausted already..when im thinking back,im likely just enjoying myself with her without focusing on the bride so much where i should done it that at the 1st place..how stupid n foolish i am..im fail to be a good photog..my head is only about her and about us, but nothing bout photog on that day..wish i can do better?well of coz i did....*sigh *sigh *sigh..

to be continued...

TAHNIAH aku ucapkan kepada arif nasaruddin, my bff for completed the 2nd reception ahad lepas at banyan close..aku terlalu sedeh kerana tidak dapat menghadirkan diri ke majlis tersebut memandangkan meeting exam jatuh pada hari yang sama..dengan rekod kerja aku yg telah merudum jatuh maka tak baek aku utk tinggalkan meeting tue..aku plak adalah unit exam jkm so lagi kuatlah aku takleh nak cuti haritue..

tapi aku tau,jauh disudut hati ayep mesti dier ada tersa aku tak datang..sama seperti kawan2 aku yg laen..bila lihat kepada gmbar2 ameng,aku terkedu seketika n lalu begenang jer air tu kat mata..sedeyh woooooo..kawan baek sindri kawen,ko bleh duk kat kulim tue..adeyhhhh..apalah nasib ko nie pau..sian aku tgk...ko dah miss one of the important wedding in ur life now..dont miss the other one this saturday..ttg wan tue ko cekalkanlah hati utk menghadapinya..moga ALLAH tunjukkanlah jalannyer nanti..

kepada arif, aku doakan kebahagiaan ko dunia akhirat..u my best buddy i ever have..u always there when i needed..u never turn back on me..i love u so much and the rest of the 'apex' crew..without u guys i wont survive the whole previous2 storm that coming to my life before..akhir sekali, congratulation sbb dah jadi suami sekarang,susah arr nak lepak ek pasnie..hehehe..

sedar tak sedar dah almost 6 bulan aku jadi wedding photography and dah 3 majlis dah aku cover..pulangan tu mmg best arr, sedap jer rasa ada sideincome..bleh beli rokok banyak sekt..woahahaha..kesitu plak..well bukan nak kata apa cuma kdg2 aku terfikir,apa betul aku serius in this?its all start oever a year ago when im starting playing wiht this D90..with nothing in mind and zero skills,i learn the basic but gone nowhere,all my pic is rubish..hahaha..seriusly aku tak suka ngan gambar aku..ianya huduh..

but then i try to improve my skills day by day untill i met my own subject a.k.a model..we were frequently having a photoshoot session 2gether so i can learn summore n more n more..and at the same times, more people already watch my pic event its still not so good actually..than comes an offer..1st come from shzua,a friend of mine, offering me to be an photog for an engagement..so i took it and yeahhh,i think i done it quit good..but than,comes another two offer but this one....the wedding photographer...wow, finally the quest is here..

but something happen just right before the 1st job i need to attend to..BOOMMMMMM! the boom shell drop in the right place at the right time...


to be continued.....

its been a tough journey..i still cant believe that this is happening..how can it turn 180 degree turn..from being a good man from the worst 'myself' i've ever see..i just wanna be happy thats all..i've plan it but it failed big time..i know sumhow i need to recover from this quickly and safely but wat i saw,its all failed also..


i try to do absolutely everything in my power to get better but what i saw, im just stuck in the past..nothing change from that day..for 2 months of disaster,i was stuck and do nothing..just lay down and waiting to die..but than i start to move..but i just dont move,i ran..i ran hardly that i could..i ran from everything..untill one day i get so tired and exhausted so i stop..


during the stop..i look back and i realy dont like what i saw..i saw a terrible, unfixed, and messed up life of mine...MASYAALLAH..aku tinggal semua tue?what have i done?i ran away from my problem n responsibility?


than i realize, i am no better man..i am no good man..i am no man that can be called a man..i'm just a loser...such a loser..i failed everything because of one woman!but i got no intention to blaming her..she done nothing wrong, its all on me...


YA ALLAH,LAYAKKAH AKU DIMAAFKAN ATAS SEGALA DOSA DAN KESALAHAN AKU INI?