~~..SpiceUpYourLife..~~

sedar tak sedar dah masuk 2011 dah pun upanya n aku lupa when did i stop writing on this..i guess semua kerana aku terlalu banyak kejer n dah tak banyak nak luahkan kat dalam nie..biasalah, dah tak larat nak layan perasaan sakit ni lagi kowt..before im always try to looking for something to pull out inside this cause most of the time i cant keep it inside tho..but luckily i can now..is it a sign of a strong will i dont know..but what i do know is i can keep it now to myself..whatever i feel, i keep it inside..

what was happen in 2010 was realy frustrating n lots of heartbroken..satu demi satu benda dtg..tak tahan sungguh aku nak menanggungnyer..seriusly aku kalah dengan keadaan..kalah dengan teruk sangat2..aku ilang arah dan tujuan hidup..alhamdulillah aku tidak hilang nyawa..hehehe..SYUKUR sangat2..

semoga esok akan membawa kepada satu kebahgiaan yg baek utk aku, semoga aku aka lebeh bersedia untuk terus hidup dan semoga juga tiada lagi "kesakitan" yg melanda baek kepada aku, 'dia' dan semua mereka2 yg dekat dengan aku..aku hanya mahukan kebahagiaan untuk semua..YA ALLAH, permudahkanlah segala urusan kami, dan lindungilah kami dari semua kecelakaan, AMIN

..ahhh,poser dah nak abeh dahhh?! amalan yg aku buat tak banyak pun,cam sama jer..bajet nak tmbah amalan arr,last2 sket jer pun tambahan,semoga diterima segala amalan2 aku sepanjang ramadhan nie...

..sejak dua menjak nie, hati tetap rasa tak best lalu membunuh semangat raya aku hanya satu isu yang diungkit oleh member aku nie..kalau nak diikutkan kepada kepala aku yg tak berapa pandai dan cerdik nie, terasa aku dah cukup memahami tapi pada pandangan mata luar pula,aku cuma setakat bermain dengan diri sendiri jer, lebeh kurang syok sendirilah..kononnyer aku nak jadi yang terbaek sdgkan pada dasarnya, aku hanya biasa2 jer..pergh, looser jer bunyinyer..dush!tepat ko kener..hahaha

but i guess maybe its rightlah kot..well if i can feel there was nothing wrong with those feelings meaning everything was good for me and that mean those feelings was suit for me..but in other hand, the other dun feel the same way..so that must be something wronglah dari aku..im not delivered the same way as the other hand..sng citer to sum it all, mereka memahami aku tetapi aku tidak langsung memahami mereka..ahhh, kejam nyer fakta nie kalu betul..*sigh..well, to think again, thats life..life is not fair sumtimes...hehehe

alhamdulillah syukur ke hadrat illahi kerana keizinanNya masih lagi bernafas ke hari ini..moga ia akan kekal untuk aku terus beribadat kepada-NYA..denan keizinan-NYA juga,aku harap dapat menjalani bulan Ramadhan ini dengan keberkatan dan keredhaan-NYA..sesungguhnya aku akan menjalani musim berpuasa ini dengan sepenuh keinsafan hendaknya..semoga aku dapat mengenali dengan lebeh mendalam erti kesabaran dan seterusnya mengakui betapa agungnya kekuasaan ALLAW S.W.T..insyaALLAH..aminnn..

before this i had plan sumthing on her b'day..i plan want to create or organize a reunion for her b'day..its like a double celebration..so there will be a lot of people on her b'day of coz, celebrating it 2gether..but now it just a mere dream that will never come true..what left is just her present that i bought earlier but i just dont know how to send it..send by post, dont know where to send..send it myself, so many complication afterward..

and suddenly all the memory rushing back through my head..the good things,the bad things all coming 2gether now..a mixed feelings..i just dont know whether its a happy or sad that conquer my heart now..but,its her b'day anyway, at least i should be happy for her, rite?she's happy with her life now, so at least trylah be happy for her even though we all know u are suffering inside..nothing u can do now,just keep u head high and move on..dont living in the past..its so painfull i know...

• 'that' slipping from my hand
• my work is ruin n my reputaion is going down
• im slipping ariff wedding
• im fail to attend Robocon
• Man Utd lost they tittle to Chelsea
• England defeated to Germany and world cup dream are trash

tarikh 26 June maybe akan dikenang sebagai hari aku berani giler naek roller coster..sepanjang aku hidup,i never being able to find my guts to ride that things..tapi semalam aku nak sgtttt5 naek benda2 tue..smpai jer kat depan outdoor park (OP) tue terus aku nak masuk tapi farid plak taknak, dah tinggal aku sorang2..nak masuk ke tak,confius aku..but alang2 dah smpai masuk jelah..so aku masuk jelah but mula2 tue tension giler jalan sorang2 kat situ..i can see a lots of happy couple there and sudenly 'her' image come straight to my head..deng,this not good..realy2 not food n sudenly nak balek jer tapi memandangkan sbb dah bayar mcm tak berbaloilah plak..geng2 borneo nie pun ntah mana lah diaorg..

but finally i manage to find them kat cybershoot..i want to ride but takder ganglah plak..deng so menongok lah kat situ tunggu geng2 yg len abeh men..abeh jer turn derang trus gi cyclone,the 1st roller coaster kat m'sia..whoooo mmg tarbaek..thrilling gaklah kan but it wass fun..itu kira warm-uplah kan sbb next ride, the CORKSCREW..huuuuu mmg thrilll beb, serius..than,its time for me to fell how superman feels when he fly, the FLYING COASTER..mmg best,terasa terbang tuuuu..hahaha

now what i cant belive is,i want so much to ride this thing when im there..before i wont be able to think pun nak naek sbb takot wooo..maybe it cause of my heart n head is in unstable state and it want to go out badly all the messy thing inside it but seriusly it come out..puas seketika,ilang semuanya seketika..if i can do this frequently...but when all fun end, im back to reality..hmmmmm..but its surely fun..

oh my dear tears...will u stop dropping from my eyes,its been 3 days now already...

for 2 days back to back, i got a call asking where the hell i am..everybody is already in UKM already..the minute i said im at Genting,they shock cause how can Ahmad Fauzi can be nowhere near UKM right now..it ROBOCON,its in our soul..but how can i undo all this...im here already..its really tearing me apart more now..i cant take it but i need to anyway facing it..well telling the truth,its a slightly tears coming out though..please be strong!

110 Days of Happiness...

57 Days of Pains...

91 and counting, Rehabilation..

and dont know where it will stop...

life is making a choice and sometimes we just dont know which one is the right one..in a month, 3 big choice i had to make already and all of those things tearing me apart badly..and at last,i know there's a tears dropping from my eyes..

1st choices: Ariff's Wedding VS Unit Exam Meeting with HOD

2nd choices: My Wedding JOB VS My Cousin Wedding

3rd choices: Robocon Vs Andragogi Course

those are the choices i had to make this month..its surely hard and i cant make a good choices though..im hurt people in the process..i want to go to ariff's wedd badly as i've planned it throughout this year but in the last minute the exam meeting was posponed to the same date..i cant do anything,i was numb and speechless..i keep the pain inside..to watch all my dearest fren there except me is more hurt than taking the fact i am not being able to be there..but last sunday tuesday i've been able to see him and we talked..atleast he's still my fren..

then, i know the date of my cousin wedding, but suddenly i got a client already,right on the same date..i seal the deal but as on wan favor of couse..so i thought if i did didn't show up on the jobs, it wont be much problem as its wan's job as an OP but it was the other way around as wan said i was being selfish..2ndly in a month i've being tearing apart again..how am i turn up the things?i went to the Solemnization bu..t skip the wedding and left it two amad and wan then heads up to tluk intan to reunite with my whole family..so its like a win2 situation i think..

now, for a month im working overtime finishing the robocon gamefield and construct a solid robot fot the tournamnet..well im not the one who construct the robot instead its the student who done it..but..nearly towards the tournament,fate call for a challenge again..i need too make a choice again..im seriously dont know which one to choose..i dont know why i cant cause probably im scared it will be a wrong choice again..so i let it Robocon go this time or this could be the only time i let it go..

before, i was planning everything's and it turns out pretty well..now,everything's like falling apart..none coming out my way though without sacrifice or making people hurt in the process..i want to be happy, i want to smile again, i want to laugh again n i want to have my life again..what else i can do to make u go away from my heart..i cant live with ur love still strong in my heart,i cant live with ur presence is always i can feel..please YA ALLAH, make her go away from my heart..so i can live happily to do all things in YOUR willing..YA ALLAH, apa yg boleh dilakukan to make these thing ease..

ramai org berkata sebnarnya, "ada apa dgn hari rabu", "kenapa ko benci ari rabu?", "tak best ker ari rabu"...sememangnyer, aku TIDAK SUKA hari rabu pada tahun ini..semuanya bermula pada hari 'itu'...dalam pada hari yang sama, mcm2 benda berlaku..so many element of suprise on that day and it end with a big suprise that say's it all, and with that suprise,it ends all the best day i've ever have..the time stop,the joy is gone, the smile faded away,the laugh is no longer exist and for most the dream is turn to ash..

the things is, Wednesday is so significant with the chonology of the MaBah story...all the important things,date,moment and incident is happen on that day..to sum it all, its the day where the 1st contact has been made, its the day that the deal was sealed and the most terrifying part is, its the day where its the start of fall and leads to destruction later on..

now can u 'dig' it why i hate wednesday so much?

p/s: on this day...its been 2 years i've in kulim!happy aniversary En Fauzi...

Alhamdulillah dua2 majlis walimatulurus n tunang kedua2 sepupu aku selamat berlangsung..kepada k.yong, semoga perkahwinan anda berkekalan and to nurul, congratulation k...as for me here,hahahaha...a gud story to tell i guess..hahaha





now for 2 days im stuck kat kg tue,betul2 menduga kesabaranlah serba sedikit..i was the 2nd grandchild so its kinda weird how the 1st get married and it follows by the 3rd one get engage?hehehe...the most 'syahdu' question was coming from my grandma, she asked "sempat ke idaklah nenek tak tgk kawan kamu ni"..adeyhhh,kenapa sekarang baru soalan2 mcm ni nak kuar..taun lepas takder pun penah tanya..or diaorg ada tanya dulu cuma aku tak amek pot coz tak penah pikir pun psl kawen..tapi skang ni setleah "pelamin anganku musnah",hehehe, everything about married is giving me heart tremble and sweaty..hahaha..

sbnarnyer aku tak kesah pun org nak tanya but sumtimes aku susah nak bg jawapan tu balek..i dont have the answer,i dont know when majlis aku akan berlangsung..aku hanya senyummmm jer sepanjang kat kg sambil menjadi photog kepada kedua2 spupu aku nie..cuma i a adalah rentetan dari rasa pelamin anganku musnah itulah aku tidak terdaya nak menahan kdg2 soalan2 yg diberi..satu dua bolehlah aku tepis,tapi kalu semua dah tanya n berlangusng selama 2 hari plak tue..adeyhhh...tp aku berjayalah menahan daripada 'hujan' turun walaupun hujan lebat turun di waktu bersandiing..

tapi kalu diikutkan,why must be so damn heart broken kan..bukkanyer putus tunang ker or cerai ker..its a normal break up jer....is that so?well..maybe di keluaran len,akan diceritakan ttg 'pelamin anganku' musnah nie or kronologi kesah kami sepenuhnyer..dari ia bermula, berkembang, bergelora dan akhirnya rebah menyembah bumi..

anyway sekali lagi kepada kak yong,jaga laki baek2 yer n too nurul,semoga ko cepat naek pelamin..takper aku bg jalan dulu..hehehe..

last week i've a chance to watch this movie..got some reason sbnarnyer kanapa nak tgk citer ni as im no so called a fan for malay movie sbb mcm tak berbaloi jer tgk kat wayang sbb raya kang dier tyg punyalah..tapi sbb...

1) member sungguh2 suh tgk

2) org asyik citer psl citer nie as the adaptation from the best seller novel in malaysia

3) nak gak tgk apa yg best sgt dgn citer nie

4) nak tgk sedeyh sgt ker seperti apa yg digembar-gemburkan

5) ada gang nak layan as a fren ask me not to watch it alone as it sad may touch my feelings later on

so we decided to go watching it and its sumhow before the movie started,my fellows frens already teasing me around by saying they bring the tissue along..hahaha..deng u guys..so as the movie start,yeah we can see 'he' was so devil lah..but as the story goes,deng he's not setan as i thought..jiwang gak budak setan nie,adeyhhhh

but what the 'highlight' of the movie is, 'he' is photografer, deng!..kener dah kat btg idung aku..dahlah the moment nampak dier pgg CANON tue,terus member2 aku ni panggil aku..adeyhhhhh..kenapa misti ko pgg kamera tue kasha oiiiiii..dah tu korang bleh plak lah men2 amek gambar ek dalam movie tue..kenapa misti ko remind aku apa yg aku dah buat ngan dier dulu..adeyhhhh..ko siap bleh buat portfolio ek..kalulah aku pun boleh buat benda yg sama..tapi apakan daya,gambar dier hanya utk simpanan saja..cant be publish..publish pun dah takder makna..yeah kahsa, amek gambar special one is a special memory to be remembered of..

but its true its kinda sad movie lah sbnarnyer cuma im sorry kasha, aku tdk kesmpaian utk bersedeh..cuma adakalanya ia tersentuh jugak..cerita kita sama cuma ko bernasib baek,ayu masih mencintai ko dan perpisahan anda bukan kerana kemahuan tapi keadaan..deng,nasib kita berbeza namun penderitaan mu ku rasa...sakit bukan ditingglkan disaat kebahagiaan yg kita mahukan..tapi sekiranya ko menunjukkan lebeh lagi bagaimana penderitaan ko itu,mesti aku sudah begenang n maybe hujan didalam panggung tue..but im not,hanya termenung saja...

kesitaan mu agung kasha,cintamu juga agung..ku mahu jadi sepertimu tapi ku tidak boleh menjadi setia sepertimu..mananti cinta yg tidak pasti bukan jawapan kepada kebahagiaan..namun, jauuuuuuuuuuuuh disudut hati ini,ku masih mananti kepulangannya walaupun ia sukar pudar dan rapuh,ku tunggu..namun,ku tidak hanya membnarkan hati ini didiami olehnya lagi,ku ingin usir dia dari hati ini kerana dier bukan lagi, The Queen of My Heart and 'Im Yours' seperti yg ku slalu ucapkan..

so MA, i wont waiting for u coz i know u wont comeback..ur love not like ayu probably..i know im not so called half perfect for u..not even a man of ur dream..we are so different in terms of love..so,im praying for ur happiness with him..

hahaha..sedar tak sedar,dah 4 bulan upanya aku duk menyinggle nie..tapi bapaklah aku rasa mcm dah makan tahun penyeksaannyer..banyak benda berlaku sepanjang 4 bulan nie..tapi yg masih sama adalah idup aku masih tunggang langgang n hati aku sikit pun belom recover mcm dulu..tgk gambar dier pun masih bergetar lagi dada nie,bukan nak tgk pun tapi kalu dah masuk profile kawan2,adalah muncul gambar dier seketul kat mutual frens tue..adeyhh tak berubah lagi n tak move on lagi upanya perasaaan ni..apalah yg liat sgt nak sembuh nie..

on 5 febuary 2010,its an historical day for me actually..for the 1st time,i will be officially being a wedding photographer..its all been prepare for that,I've learn all the angle,compo and all the technique that i can cover for the job..with the support i got from 'her',i feel i can do this..but how terrified and shocky i am..she made one of the biggest decision on that day that make my world turn upside down until now...i suddenly become so numb and dont know what to do..its like a nightmare but its not a dream,its reality...

so what i can do left where i just have one day left before akad nikah..i went to muar wiht a fren of mine..he finds me strage but im acting my cool but i cant hide it coz it so obviously i was not in the mood..on that friday,i was loosing myself already,aku dah mcm cacing kepanasan duk kat umah pengantin,mak andam plak dah laaa lmbat,member aku plak gi carik flash sbb rosak..so aku duk sorang2 je kat situ..adeyhhhhh..

but suddenly the bride said, why dont u pick her up and bring her here also,without hesitate,i pick my fren car and pick her up..well she's not too far a way from the bride house but where? i cant tell lahhhhh..hehehe,for some of u might know where she is...

so to make it short,she come to both of the akad nikah and sanding...well i know she's there but the feelings is just not therelah..we know we are not couple anymore and her appearance sumhow i feel likes a sympathy or a supprt from her..but my head just cant think straight..therefore,i lose my work ethic and professionalism..

seriusly,i fail being an OP (official photographer)...i fail to captured a good pic, i fail to conduct situation and the environment, i failed to cheer up the bride where they looks so exhausted already..when im thinking back,im likely just enjoying myself with her without focusing on the bride so much where i should done it that at the 1st place..how stupid n foolish i am..im fail to be a good photog..my head is only about her and about us, but nothing bout photog on that day..wish i can do better?well of coz i did....*sigh *sigh *sigh..

to be continued...

TAHNIAH aku ucapkan kepada arif nasaruddin, my bff for completed the 2nd reception ahad lepas at banyan close..aku terlalu sedeh kerana tidak dapat menghadirkan diri ke majlis tersebut memandangkan meeting exam jatuh pada hari yang sama..dengan rekod kerja aku yg telah merudum jatuh maka tak baek aku utk tinggalkan meeting tue..aku plak adalah unit exam jkm so lagi kuatlah aku takleh nak cuti haritue..

tapi aku tau,jauh disudut hati ayep mesti dier ada tersa aku tak datang..sama seperti kawan2 aku yg laen..bila lihat kepada gmbar2 ameng,aku terkedu seketika n lalu begenang jer air tu kat mata..sedeyh woooooo..kawan baek sindri kawen,ko bleh duk kat kulim tue..adeyhhhh..apalah nasib ko nie pau..sian aku tgk...ko dah miss one of the important wedding in ur life now..dont miss the other one this saturday..ttg wan tue ko cekalkanlah hati utk menghadapinya..moga ALLAH tunjukkanlah jalannyer nanti..

kepada arif, aku doakan kebahagiaan ko dunia akhirat..u my best buddy i ever have..u always there when i needed..u never turn back on me..i love u so much and the rest of the 'apex' crew..without u guys i wont survive the whole previous2 storm that coming to my life before..akhir sekali, congratulation sbb dah jadi suami sekarang,susah arr nak lepak ek pasnie..hehehe..

sedar tak sedar dah almost 6 bulan aku jadi wedding photography and dah 3 majlis dah aku cover..pulangan tu mmg best arr, sedap jer rasa ada sideincome..bleh beli rokok banyak sekt..woahahaha..kesitu plak..well bukan nak kata apa cuma kdg2 aku terfikir,apa betul aku serius in this?its all start oever a year ago when im starting playing wiht this D90..with nothing in mind and zero skills,i learn the basic but gone nowhere,all my pic is rubish..hahaha..seriusly aku tak suka ngan gambar aku..ianya huduh..

but then i try to improve my skills day by day untill i met my own subject a.k.a model..we were frequently having a photoshoot session 2gether so i can learn summore n more n more..and at the same times, more people already watch my pic event its still not so good actually..than comes an offer..1st come from shzua,a friend of mine, offering me to be an photog for an engagement..so i took it and yeahhh,i think i done it quit good..but than,comes another two offer but this one....the wedding photographer...wow, finally the quest is here..

but something happen just right before the 1st job i need to attend to..BOOMMMMMM! the boom shell drop in the right place at the right time...


to be continued.....

its been a tough journey..i still cant believe that this is happening..how can it turn 180 degree turn..from being a good man from the worst 'myself' i've ever see..i just wanna be happy thats all..i've plan it but it failed big time..i know sumhow i need to recover from this quickly and safely but wat i saw,its all failed also..


i try to do absolutely everything in my power to get better but what i saw, im just stuck in the past..nothing change from that day..for 2 months of disaster,i was stuck and do nothing..just lay down and waiting to die..but than i start to move..but i just dont move,i ran..i ran hardly that i could..i ran from everything..untill one day i get so tired and exhausted so i stop..


during the stop..i look back and i realy dont like what i saw..i saw a terrible, unfixed, and messed up life of mine...MASYAALLAH..aku tinggal semua tue?what have i done?i ran away from my problem n responsibility?


than i realize, i am no better man..i am no good man..i am no man that can be called a man..i'm just a loser...such a loser..i failed everything because of one woman!but i got no intention to blaming her..she done nothing wrong, its all on me...


YA ALLAH,LAYAKKAH AKU DIMAAFKAN ATAS SEGALA DOSA DAN KESALAHAN AKU INI?

mmg dah hari2 gamaknyer kot aku akan tulis kat sini sebagai diari walaupun tiada siapa yg membacanya...biarlah walaupun tiada siapa yg tahu apa yg terbuku di hati nie..mungkin sukar untuk aku paparkan kepada bagaimana or apakah yg aku rasa sekarang nie kepada org len kerana apa yg mereka katakan,"dahlah,jangan difikirkan lagi..dah abeh2 tu abehlah..duk sini jer apa pun tak jalan"..aku ker yg takmau bergerak or ada sumthing yg hold me back,ada benda yg tak setel lagi..still cant be so sure..

namun apa yg aku dapat fikirkan adalah,pelbagai cara dan action aku dah buat utk go on with my life,but its somhow is not working..deng! yg paling ketara sekali adalah aku masih belom dapat memaafkan diri aku sendiri lagi ke atas apa yg berlaku..

aku nak cuba sekarang,aku nak cuba tanggung benda ni sorang2..aku letih, aku ibarat menjadi seorang penagih simpati dan aku rasa telah pun menjatuhkan air muka dan martabat aku sebagai seorang lelaki yg sepatutnya menjadi KHALIFAH di muka bumi ALLAH S.W.T ini..

DIAMANA KAH KAU 'APAU CRAZY'?

DIAMANA KAH KAU 'ENCIK FAUZI'?

when i blogwalking just now,i've spent almost 15 minute on this one page coz what stated there was so touch...for the 1st time,im mising my time back in Tasik Utama, Bukit Beruang, Bachang, Durian Tunggal n for most, Muzaffar Shah...

wow, dah 3 tahun beb, 3 tahun aku tinggalkan tempat2 tue dan tak pernah sekali pun aku nak kembali..but today on this moment, 4 the 1st time in 6 years,i feel i want to turn the clock back when we are there..i want to change everything..i want to do once more..n i want to do it right this time..

but then i realize,its just a fake dream can only been true when u are on drugs or sleep..this is wat REAL LIFE is..a facr that the time that has passed us by wont be any meaning anymore..just keep looking forward and march on...

To'peng, Lampek, Jai, Khai, Apan and Yeop,

how can i thankfull u guys for helping me so much during our time there..u guys was the best housmate i ever have..u guys were the best fren i ever have over there..i wish i can do something for u guys..but even yeop n jai wed im not attend..im so sad now to realize how change we are now..but no matter wat, i will always miss u guys n the rest of 1st batch of BMFA...BMFA rocks!

YA ALLAH, can i have the spirit, motivation, inspiration and strenght back now?i realise i cant do much as im no longger in my best state of my life..but can YOU help me, and raise me up again..AMINN..

~~..GOOD LUCK ON UR 1st DAY MISS...I KNOW U CAN BE A GOOD ^!@#*(%..I HAVE FAITH AND BELIEVE IN U,AS ALWAYS I DO...~~

hmmm..its 4th and its 6th...

not to remember but it came by the way..so i play along and all the memories that we have come in the picture..so suddenly i thought, how long this will last?2 more month?2 more years?or after i meet sumone new..deng!

"carilah yang baru jer pau, it will cure everything....."

mungkin ada betulnyer kata2 kawan aku nie...love sickness must be cure with love too..cuma aku tidak berani untuk kedepan lagi kerana khuatir dan takut benda yang sama berulang..tambahan lagi,aku juga takut i will make a comparison bettween the new one with Miss S..its look like she will be like the benchmark for the rest probably..

and more thing that interesting is i dont know who i am anymore and feels like i cant make any contact with other girls..im afraid i cant show the true me as im in the low state of my life..

so the question remain, bukalah pintu atau tutuplah dahulu?...................wallahualam..

Aku masih sakit lagi rupanya....


dan ia masih.......


dan tidak tahu sampai bila.......

now most people will think and say "mana nak sama setiap benda tue..." and its true for most of the things..u see when we talk about people,we might have to take those word and belive it coz,mana sama setiap manusia tue kan..so of course lah when u lost someone its hard to find someone just like the previous person or look alike also is hard to find..we talk about how its look, charisma, attitude, personality etc and it will bring to a thousand comparison the next thing..ok u guys no what happen so u know what this all about..

now,i lost 3 things in the process and i try to find the replacement but its hardly to get the same quality or even better and to make it worse,it just not meant to be.....


1) my sunglasses ~ ok this sunglasses i bought at uptown shah alam on 16 oktober 2009 while attending maklang open house..beli pun sebab yg lama tertinggal dalam bas waktu balek dari arau..apa yg best ttg sunglases ni sbb cerminnya kaca..yah, its feel different when i first try it on..its square and small so rasa nak cuba yg len plak lah asyik beli yg besau2 je ann...yah,its so nice to have it n i love it so much..jaga betul2 supaya tak ilang lagi mcm yg len2 tue..but,its finally broken on 23rd january 2010 time sronok2 amek gambor (its kinda sign huh,hehehe)..bingkainyer tercabut so i just let it there jer..untill then its been 5 replacement i try and 3 already gone and none of it i like it as much i like the previous one..i try to buy the new one at uptown tho but none have the same size..



2) my cheap swatch ~ bought at downtown cheras on 13 november 2009..1st time nak try pakai steel watch sbb rasa macam nak jadi matanglah kononnya..well,sudah 'berpunya' waktu tue...so nak jadi segaklah jugak kononnya..previous pakai yg getah2 jer sbb nampak funky..but lama2 ia nampak buruk sbb barang 'cheap' kan...so den i try bought adidas watch on feb to replace the old one,but hanya tahan 2 hari sbb lepas beli jarumn jam tu jadi bengong n rotation utk adjustment pun hanya boleh ke arah counterclockwise...den beli lagi cheap swatch,pakai seminggu tali plak tercabut..during dat time i realize susah sgt ker nak ada yg elok time2 tak 'elok' nie..knapa semuanya nak kener 'rosak'....?!


3) adidas blue sweater ~ yg ni beli kat downtown cheras on may 2009..sbb beli coz tertarik ngan farid kamilnyer sweater kat dalam filem adamaya,eh silap itu drama,im not single ..lagipun dah lama teringin nak pakai sweater nie..jenuh lah pusing satu downtown tu carik size sbb time tu aku masih dikatakan sedikit boroi..akhirnya aku jumpa warna yg aku nak with the size..wahhhh bleh gaya ngan little elis aku..but,last month dah takleh nak zip sbb dah loose mak aku kata..dang,sedih giler aku rasa..n than replacement hunt pun bermula n still,no color like this yet being found!!im totally down..


so u see when u have n found something that u like the most, treasure it and take care of it even with ur live i might say..because once u lose it, u cant find even the 'almost' the same as replacement..mmglah susah kan nak terima yg benda lama tu dah 'gone' tapi no matter wat kener terima jelah n cuba tidak mempersoalkan apa yg berlaku..

walaubagaimanapun,we will may find it actually (the good replacment), as long u are not comparing both the previous n the replacement and terima seadanya sipendatang baru itu..it may hard to do it, but sometimes if we fail to do it, we will may regret one day if the replacement actually be the perfect one for u..so,think hard and do smart

p/s: perenggan terakhir adalah untuk nasihat kepada diri sendiri..ngee~~

aku sering bertanya kepada diri aku sendiri, adakah aku telah benar2 sembuh dari kesakitan itu...kerana aku seperti tiada improvement pun walaupun telah banyak yg telah ku lakukan..seriusly dah banyak sgt aku buat utk diri aku nie sepanjang 'rehabilation' aku nie..aku sibukkan diri,banyakkan men sport,banyakkan amek gambor, shopping sakan..sumtime i jeopradise my body pun ada..kesian kan anatomy aku nie,adey..i know im gonna feel sick one day from wat im doing right now..but the point is sumhow sumwhat i see,aku still cant be free..im still scared im gonna crash again if i ever see it again..nowdays mmglah ok jer but thats with the help of the disappearance of it..dats help,but what happen if that change..am i ready for that?am i strong to face it later on?berapa lama aku harus berusaha untuk mencarik jalan or tujuan baru nie..semuanya masih samar dah kabur,semangat pula masih luntur dan ampuh,kekuatan pula masih lemah dan longlai..tiada satu pun kepastian yg jitu dan tepat..yang ada adalah nafas dan kudrat untuk terus berjalan..WALLAUHUALAM..ALLAHUAKBAR

p/s: jauh giler berseri dari kajang upanya..now i know awk mmg sengsara kat sana,i can feel it more now..

fuhhh..teramatlah sibuk dua hari ni ngadap konvo poli nie...tapi dalam kesibukkan tu sempatlah jugak aku menoleh melihat warna warni wajah keceriaan wajah para graduan dan di antara mereka adalah student aku sendiri..huh dan dengan serta merta terlintas di kepala aku, konvo aku sendiri 3 tahun lepas..

wow,dah 3 tahun aku tinggalkan UTeM dan melaka upanya and BMFA 1st bacth 1st reunion pun dah on the go dalam plannin tapi please kawan2,aku tak nak lah kita buat kat melaka,cari je tampat len ek,hehehe..why?better dont ask woahahaha..

dan dalam aku menggelamun itu dengan serta merta juga segala kenangan aku di sana mencuit hati aku kembali..apa yg pasti ianya satu kenangan yg indah untuk aku kenangkan..segala perit getir aku untuk bangun kembali mengecapi keindahan akhirnya berhasil di pengakhiran..terima kasih tak terhingga Tok Peng, Lampek, Jai, Apan, Yeop, Khai..wihtout u guys i wont survive and aku maybe tak dapat bangun semula tanpa korang..terima kasih kerana menerima aku jadi housmate korang dan sudi utk berkawan dgn aku..

thanks to mom and dad kerana berada di belakang aku dan menyokong aku disaat aku jatuh dahulu..mintak maaf kerana buat anda berdua risau,bukan niat diri ini untuk berhenti tetapi takanan memuncak pada ketika itu..namun,air mata dan ucapan terima kasih anda berdua yg dapat anakanda saksikan di Dewan Seri Negeri itu cukup mengharukan..to ayep n ameng,thanks sbb datang konvo aku,sorilah aku tak datang konvo korang,hehehe..to 'dia' sori jgak bakal tak dapat dtg ur convo nanti...hope u have a blast that day..

And last but not least, congrats to all people who succeed their study and being able to have their convocation no matter where u are..the more success u get,the more though life waiting for u..keep it up..

wahhh kjap lagi dah kener bgn nak pegi UPM shooting dan2 bleh gi men futsal..bleh tahan smpai malam ker Fauzi oiiii..huahuahua...den nak balek kulim lagi..wahhh btul2 bzkan diri ko ek..tarbaekkkkk

6 years ago, bacang melaka, green view middows apartment, 14th floor.........

i guess its all stated there..if i can change one thing in my life,maybe i can change what happen during my time there...but somehow i do feel before that all those things happen back there was like a road leading to who i am today..i don't want to remember what happen back there coz its full of hurts moment..

but,from what happen back there i try to change and start a new policy of life..be4 dat im likely like " do watever u wanna do and ignore wat people wanna say"..but than i change, "lets put a smile on people face even we die in the process"...coz for me,people's happiness is my priority..i dont want people to get hurt because of me and will lead to hatred anymore..i have lost everything and i cant continue living like dat..i need to get back wat i lost.........

2 b continued.....

lagu ni mmg kener ngan keadaan..kalu nak dirungkaikan dalam bentuk ayat hidup aku sekrang,dgr jelah lagu ni.comfirm faham...hmmm....kenapalah skang ni kerinduan nie nak datang..its not worth it Mr Fauzi, its totally not worth it..how much things u already done kan untuk hilangkan semua nie but its still hunt u down...but good job for keep it up..more work to do Fauzi, a lotttttt of work to do..

its been two months now after the 'storm' but the memory still remain deeply..luckily the pain and sorrow is no longer hunting me every time im breathing,it just come once in awhile n then go by the wind..its still anoying and irritating to be living a life like dis but life must go on isnt it?

the truth is im still missing n love her though...but still,the fact and logic cover up my mind so i wont be stuck here forever..need more time ker ek nak full recovery?boleh ke benda ni ilang n act like nothing happen..org slalu kata,apa2 hal pun tuan punya badan jer yg tahu n can do it..but seriusly lah, takkan takder best solution nak kasi setel?i hate not being able to be fren with her coz i think she can be good benefit fren later on,who knows..well everyone in my life shuld be benefit for my life ritght?hmmm...

so far im still breathing just dont know how much strong im standing right now..my knee still shaky i think and my heart still pumping fast n my eyes still cant close it lid on time..but for most,im living..dats a good thing i guess..ok people,see u next time..nak smbung edit gambar..A'kum..

STOP TALKING!
STOP THINKING!
STOP WHINING!

JUST WALK.......

well, today gonna be a mixed feelings for me between sad and happy..its all about her..yes,she pass the exam..ALHAMDULILLAH syukur kehadrat ILAHI kerana memberikannya apa yg di ingikannya selama ini..namun disebalik kegembiraan aku,aku pulak yg rasa mixed feeling nie..happy for her fow wat happend today but in the same time aku pun rasa sedih kerana kegembiraan itu pastinya dikongsi bersama insan tersayangnya dan semestinya bukanlah aku walaupun dia memberitahu ttg perkara itu padaku..kerana ia sekadar perkabaran sahaja..mintak maafkan sy kerana tidak dapat bergembira seperti mana yg awk boleh rasa sekrang...sy tahu awk berada di awang-awangan sekrang kerana semuanya telah berakhir dan pengakhirannya sungguh bermakna bg awk..jgnlah toleh kepada sy,kerana pada sy sekarang hanya ada penyesalan,kepedihan,kesedihan dan penderitaan..itu tidak baik utk awk..

dengan berakhirnya semua ini maka berakhirlah dan selesailah semua janji saya pada awk..selesailah tugas sy...sy gembira utk awk..semoga dgn apa yg terjadi antara kita akan menjadikan sy lebih kuat dan moga sy akan jadi insan yang lebih baik di keesokkan harinya..semoga ada sinar baru untuk sy insyaALLAH..berbahagialah Miss S,im always supporting u and to give up my love to is one of the thing that so imposible to do..but i need to do it sumhow...

somesaid they put a name on their car so it make them special..so i decided when i get a car i want put it to..and i choose the name E%&*#...so lately its like a fate how turns out i'll be with someone related to that name..but when everything turns from sweet to sour and lead to distruction of relationship..i wonder if i have to change the name too..

what happend to me today realy make me sad..so saddddddddddddddddddddddddddd and even i cant imagine how sad that is..its so painfull..i scratch my elis,once again..astaghfirullahalazim..people know how my car looks like be4 and they said im not a good owner..so when the time is arrive,i changed elis look to what i imagine be4..but what happen after 1 year of transformation,i scratch it again...

i love my car,i try to take care her...but what happen is different thing..am i not a good owner?am i?i try my best not to scratch her but turns out i did...just like wat happen to aelis..i try to do absolute everything to take care her, but i failed in the end...YA ALLAH,please show me the way..please im begging YOU,please help me...im realy need your help..am i need to change her name to lisa or kelly?

semuanya telah berakhir..aku tuliskan disini semuanya telah berakhir..tiada apa yang dapat diselamatkan..tiada apa yg dapat diwujudkan..semuanya telah tertulis dan ditakdirkan..aku pasrah dan aku redha..walaupun bibir berucap hati ku masih buta,tapi moga satu hari nanti satu sinar baru akan muncul untukku..tolonglah hambaMU ini YA ALLAH...tolonglah..

berapa kali aku berdiri dan berlari KAU jatuhkan ku semula untuk mengingatiMU...dan berapa kali ku jatuh,KAU membantu mengangkatku semula..YA ALLAH, aku tidak pernah lupakanMU tapi diriku selalu terbabas mencariMU..sembuhkanlah hati ini dan berilah ku kekuatan..hanya KAU sahaja yang aku ada dan MAHA mengetahui nasib ku ini..ALLAHUAKBAR! ALLAHUAKBAR!..kembalikanlah sinar hidupku..

yes...todays is complete one month the breaking up..so many changers in i see..

no more 'mama' 'babah'
no more sayang
no more wake up call
no more frequent messaging
no more frequent 'Terima Kasih Cinta' rigtone
no more lullaby
no more bedtime story
and it seems..
no string attrached...

u see this is something i cant bear to handle with my best..i keep asking why is this happen..why i cant handle it with my best?is it true im so weak and not strong enough for her?i know i cant ask this and that because this is ALLAH SWT jobs..this is what HIS doing..so i shouldn't ask much and try to face it like a man..a real man who are strong enough to bear it..but seriously the pain is so unbearable..the wound so deeeeeeep that i cant imagine how bad the pain..its still bleeding..

i just cant stop thinking that she has a new interest now rather than me..is it necessary to able feel that?am i being throw away slowly from her life untill the day comes she will say that she didn't need babah anymore?wow,this something i cant imagine..when that day come,i'll be tearing into into pieces i guess..

YA ALLAH,SELAMATKANLAH DIRIKU..AKU HANYA MEMOHON UNTUK MENIKMATI SEDIKIT KETENANGAN SUPAYA AKU BOLEH BERFIKIR DAN BERKERJA DAN SETERUSNYA MENJALANI KEHIDUPAN SEPERTI BIASA..SESUNGGUHNYA AKU ALAMINYA DAHULU DAN KAU TELAH KEMBALIKANNYA KEPADA KU SEMULA..TERIMA KASIH YA ALLAH,KAU MEMBAWANYA SEMULA UNTUK MENYEDARKAN AKU BAHAWASANYA KAU ADALAH TUAN SEGALA UMAT DI MUKA BUMI INI...AKU BERJANJI AKAN TERUS BERIBADAT KE ARAH MU...AKU MEMOHON PADAMU YA ALLAH,KEMBALIKANLAN SENYUMANKU..LEMBUTKANLAH HATINYA,BUKALAH HATINYA UNTUKKU..SEMOGA ADA KEBAHAGIAAN MENANTI DI AKHIRANNYA..AMIN

another setback i feel today...masyaALLAH..tetiba2 plak aku rasa mcm ni hari nie...apa yg buat aku sedih sgt sbb tetiba teringat apa yg berlaku on dat 'storm' day..its realy SAD now and i feel realy down..and indeed its rain a little bit both inside n outside..

just now im hear one not so good news...my 'gift' to her are been send to a different address..supposer to desa baru instead it been written desa bakti..YA ALLAH..kenapa ini boleh berlaku..salah aku ker?adakah benar dia adalah untukku..bagilah aku peluang untuk menenangi hatiku ini...tolonglah hambamu yg lemah ini YA ALLAH....berilah aku petunjuk YA ALLAH..adakah benar hatiku ini masih untuk dier kerana hidayah mu dan taufik mu belum sampai kepada ku...tolonglah hambaMU ini YA ALLAH...ASAGHFIRULLAHALAZIM...

this weekend turns out agak badly kot..im hurting so many people this weekend and I'm so regret i do it..i wish i can turn back time and undo all the things I've done..but that's impossible rite..to my dear,its been unfortunate week for me for not being able to see u my love..how i miss you so bad rite now..its hurt me so bad wat u did last thursday..but ist ok,i know wat condition wat we are in..im always wondering where are we rite now or where i am rite now..is there any hope for us but wat i see only the darkness i meet..

please sayang,im bagging u to comeback to me one day..my heart is still want and love u..maybe sometimes im losing hope and faith but the most important thing is i never quit and give up my love to u..its still for u and for u only sayang...so comeback to me one day sayang,i still can wait for u...

I Love U So Much, Miss S and Its Unconditionally....

IM HURT..IM HURT..IM HURT..that's one fact im feeling rite now..so sressfull...MASYAALLAH...

okayyyyy..the workdays are over for this wee.sunday is off so now can go back home to homes..hahaha..but on thing disturb me a little is why suddenly my hearts start to crumble?what my heart is worry to?what my heart looking for?why suddenly it become like this?please,stop doing this to me..i dun want another setback..stop!

ahhh..maybe the journey ni nanti bleh buat aku ok kot..well hopefully lah kan..hehehe..ahhhh,aku nak tenang n tenteram...

3 weeks and will it still be counting?..........

hurmm...its been 3 weeks already and still have the pain for wat happen dat day..the 'bombshell' drop in the perfect time at the perfect place..im still keep asking myself nowdays what exactly went wrong dat day..wat exactly happen until she decided to make that decission..is it true wat she said after that?is it true she didnt know wat's the feeling now?is it true she push me away by saying to find another girl?is it true the whole thing dat she already said to me?

now, wat happend to the previous 'sweet statement' she told me before?is it just a temporary feelings or we can just say 'oh,it just a fling'..its a damn thing if that exactly the real situation is..so b$^&#*&t !!how can i imagine that was a fake since everything that been said be4 is so real and make me feel being needed,being miss,being care and being love..the feelings so real but why now suddenly is everything is walking the opposite way?why?why?why? after she made me needed her,made me want her,made me miss her,made me stay with her,made me only for her, made me crazy in love with her and now suddenly "i dont know is that my true feelings"..hoh, is that so?! while my feelings it true and my love is unconditionally..

now wat else i can do?or wat i should do?still holding on and stay or take my guts and leave?please GOD, show me the way..i know rite now,my feelings towards her is still strong...im begging YOU,please help me...please...i know i cant live without her though..

aduyaiii...aku dah agak dah,tiada apa2 respon nie misti sumthing is not rightlah kot and when dgr suaranya pun aku dah rasa lemah dah,dier lagilah annn..sesungguhnya aku care sgt kat dier so mmglah aku akan rasa mcm nie..tapi apakan daya aku,nothing i can do except hoping everything will turns out well and fine for her..dear GOD, i want her to be succes..pelase,im begging YOU to help her..i will keep pray for her..i want the best for her...wat more i can do?please,show me the way..

kesian kat dier..from wat i see,she's been through hard time today..im so worried but as the condition apply,i dont know how she's doing but i hope so much its not so bad as i would think..i hope so much also everything will turns out well for her as i want her to be success as much she want it too..as for now, i can only give u my pray and my YASSIN..other than that,u know already wat an...so, its now or never so go out there and work it out..im always here supporting u..GooD LucK Sayang....

monday sickness is very irritating...nak buat apa pun rasa lembab jer..tambah hati nie tak penahnyer nak duk diam,ada jer gegaran yg nak dilaksanakan..dah2 lah tue,berentilah bertindak balas dengan benda2 pasir nie...need more motivation nie..keep it up pau...*sigh

*sigh...after one weeks not thinking about job,now here i am in a office,work..arhhh, no motivation at all to start a day like dis,especially wen comes to work..seriusly evertything looks dull and bored..where all the excitment gone,i reaky dont know..please god,bring me back to live..please bring me back my smile and laugh..its all gone now..the same thing happen to me last 6years now seems it repeated again..its all happen again..do i need another year to recover from all of this?...

hurmm..a new status yg buat aku pening skang nie..for who that things for is i realy dont know..why things can turn to be like dis..why and why and why?i keep question that question..sumtimes it not proper to ask that question tho...i realy dont know what to think but i keep thinking, so wat the hell i am thinking about?..hahaha..weird huh..

huh,its over already my leave..damn,apa je aku buat minggu nie,seriusly aku pun tak tau..melanguk je kot kebanyakkan masa..now i need to return back to work..arghhhhh,seriously my head cant take it..im seriously not so in a good mood or motivated to go to work..damn,wat the hell happen to me now..whrer's all gone?!is it because of that............*sigh

hahaha..one thing yg patut aku buat yg dah aku rancang nak buat akhirnya aku lupa sbb pikir sgt psl pasir nie..yg paling best,sumer kejer yg patut aku buat time cuti nie pun langsung tak sentuh pun..hahaha,klakar kan..now i get this news yg realy shock but i wish i can spell this word,

"my dear, its ok..i know ur condition so well,i am and im realy do..i said to u earlier,wat u want i'll do it for u..if this wat u want so its my pleasure for me to do it..im not going anywhere so dun wuri bout me..i thought i never give u pressure..so if i did,im so sorry k..i never thought ive done dat..bout that new news u have its realy shock me too by the way..i know how's it feel when u've already plan ur work but seems suddenly there's a change and it looks like u can screw up..but still, keep beliving urself my dear..im still hoping u'll do ur best..i dont know,im just have that feelings about u that everything's gonna be alright..im always supporting u,so go out there and rocks it..just come back to me when u r ready,i wont go anywhere maaa...i'll wait k..bubye"

pergh..dah petang mcm nie pun still tak ilang lagi feelings tue..apa kehalnyer nie...susah sgt ke nak happy skang nie..aduyai...kacauuuuu kacau...*sigh

woke up with a realy sad feelings is realy not so good i guess...its been like dis for a while now..dont know how to overcome this kinda things..it just happen when u wake up,this feeling suddenly overshadow ur emotion and next thing u know u dun want to do anything..realy frustrating and hurts so much when thinks again about wat happen lately...lama lagi ke mcm nie?

im not a fan of blog kot tapi kdg2 terasa jugak nak tulis sumting so biar apa yg terbuku kat hati nie dilepaskan..tapi berbaloi ke tulis kat sini..hurmmm..walau apapun this will be the 1st for more to come...